Finally, a real Gospel...
Sep. 8th, 2023 05:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jasonderoga86Okay, so today I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with a new therapist -- an awesome one who understood the quagmire I'm in. He realized how horrible my living situation is, and he really listened and told it like it was. I come home today to find out 5 minutes after the meeting time, it's been canceled. No reason, just "Sorry, can't help you. Please reschedule a later appointment (which is not guaranteed)". Obviously, I was infuriated. Call it a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing. Then I made the mistake of talking to my mother to explain my frustrations. What I got was, "Be patient and don't throw tantrums." This, from an individual whose husband throws and breaks things and threatens violence to her every time she rubs him the wrong way. Honestly, I'm feeling like a real scapegoat now. I'm constantly nagged on for upkeeping the house, and yet my younger bro, a carbon copy of my father, gets a free pass on everything? In the words of Jules Winfield from the film Pulp Fiction, "If they wanna play blind man, they can go walk with the shepherd. But me? My eyes are wide fuckin' open." I am now even more committed to leaving this environment permanently. And my manager at work did tell me our agency will help in any way they can with the transition. Really, this job pulled the curtain back on the façade that is currently my family. I once stated clearly that everyone in this family hates each other. My father tells me, "Don't call it hatred". Now my answer, after witnessing the past 2 decades, is, "A man who hasn't said 'I love you' to his wife in over a decade, everyone keeping to themselves, only getting together to argue over the basest of things, and a dictatorship under a man who is clearly a narcissist masquerading as a man of the house? If it's not hatred, then what is it? 'Cuz it sure as shit ain't love."
I guess it's because of the "American" Christianity preached in this country. After all, the churches we went to all talked about obeying your parents without question. Disobeying a single request = torment in Hell, they said. Parents know best. Ironic, because by those standards my family apparently is as un-Christian as can be. Abusing the eldest son based on assumptions and then threatening to kick him out if he tells the police? Forcing him to lie to sate your unbridled anger at something that he actually didn't do because you simply don't want to listen? Mocking his terrified expression while you dish out corporal punishment over an incorrect answer to a math problem? They say Black families abhor the history of how they were beaten and used by their White slave masters. If that's really the case, then my parents' style of upbringing, at least for me, is a straight-up travesty. Good thing I've got a support system of friends and the staff at my job helping me figure out where to go from here, it looks like they are my family now.
So, I came across another article after emboldening myself further on my goal of leaving. It came at the perfect time, I guess until my (hopefully) next appointment, this was my therapy appointment replacement. I'm actually shocked at how similar this blogger's perspective is to mine. Now, my parents are nowhere near as horrible as the MAGA cult discussed in the article, but the way they see Christianity was very similar to my upbringing. I had found the REAL Gospel.
I guess it's good that I even came to the discovery of how authoritarian my parents (and still are, sadly) were in the first place. Had I not, I'd still be suffering in silence. I'm not furious anymore, just committed to leaving. My eyes are on the future, however difficult it may be. Struggling with mental clarity and peace knowing you're doing the right thing for yourself and others seems a hell of a lot better than being complacently obedient in a regime-like household and going insane. My support group (including my four friends here on Dreamwidth) has made that crystal clear.
Onward to independence, and peace of mind!
I guess it's because of the "American" Christianity preached in this country. After all, the churches we went to all talked about obeying your parents without question. Disobeying a single request = torment in Hell, they said. Parents know best. Ironic, because by those standards my family apparently is as un-Christian as can be. Abusing the eldest son based on assumptions and then threatening to kick him out if he tells the police? Forcing him to lie to sate your unbridled anger at something that he actually didn't do because you simply don't want to listen? Mocking his terrified expression while you dish out corporal punishment over an incorrect answer to a math problem? They say Black families abhor the history of how they were beaten and used by their White slave masters. If that's really the case, then my parents' style of upbringing, at least for me, is a straight-up travesty. Good thing I've got a support system of friends and the staff at my job helping me figure out where to go from here, it looks like they are my family now.
So, I came across another article after emboldening myself further on my goal of leaving. It came at the perfect time, I guess until my (hopefully) next appointment, this was my therapy appointment replacement. I'm actually shocked at how similar this blogger's perspective is to mine. Now, my parents are nowhere near as horrible as the MAGA cult discussed in the article, but the way they see Christianity was very similar to my upbringing. I had found the REAL Gospel.
I guess it's good that I even came to the discovery of how authoritarian my parents (and still are, sadly) were in the first place. Had I not, I'd still be suffering in silence. I'm not furious anymore, just committed to leaving. My eyes are on the future, however difficult it may be. Struggling with mental clarity and peace knowing you're doing the right thing for yourself and others seems a hell of a lot better than being complacently obedient in a regime-like household and going insane. My support group (including my four friends here on Dreamwidth) has made that crystal clear.
Onward to independence, and peace of mind!
no subject
Date: 2023-09-09 11:59 am (UTC)Thank you.
Date: 2023-09-09 06:33 pm (UTC)Please tell Candice she has my thanks as well, she's awesome (and I haven't even met her, how about that! LOL).
Re: Thank you.
Date: 2023-09-09 06:40 pm (UTC)Re: Thank you.
Date: 2023-09-10 05:26 am (UTC)