jasonderoga86 | Entries tagged with strength

I happened by Amazon.com last night to see quite a humbling sight: Someone left their first starred rating on Lil' Hero Artists: The Original Series (Variant Cover) -- and it was a full 5/5.

I don't know who it was, as they didn't leave a detailed review. But I think after 18 years since its birth I should just shamelessly post a praise for the book from an old friend back in 2007, which graces the book's back cover.

Michael S. Bracco, former editor of Alterna Comics (once a New York Times Bestselling Small Press Publisher my work was published under):

“In a world where creators everywhere are unsuccessfully trying to capture the magic of Smith’s BONE in their work, this one seems to have potential to do it.”

Now, I don't normally point my fans to Amazon as they take a huge cut outta my royalties for distribution purposes (which is why it's primarily promoted on my storefront here), but for the sake of promotion I'm putting this up today. And this is two days after my job caught wind of my long background in art (and more specifially, my comic book/graphic novel prowess) and is working to promote me again from a classroom aide to a full-on Art Instructor. Ain't got much teaching experience, but our clients are shoving me in front of my management right now begging me to take the place of our resigning Art Instructor (who now has a singed copy of Sneakers' U-Force Vol. 1 as a parting gift). Man, am I nervous this morning...

(...and Jeff Smith's Bone has the privilege of being so badass and monumental that it was banned for a bland depiction of violence in a school or two. Guess that's a badge of honor for me to wear right now, given we're in a time where book banning is like a video game with politicians clamoring to one-up each other's high score. How about that...)

Peace and love to y'all.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: peaceful white noise

I currently work at an agency in Oakland, California that assists the intellectually and developmentally disabled. I've only worked there for a year and a half, and I was recently promoted back in late July. As everyone close to me knows, I'm a childhood trauma survivor. Yet, despite this horrible past -- some of which was even tolerated by my own family -- I still give my all to serve others in any way I can. Call it being "a flower that blooms in adversity", or what have you. I can't stand it when people pick on others because of their perceived weaknesses of their victims and a gross sense of entitlement. It's standard bully mentality, and on a deeper level, Lesson #1 in How To Be An Abuser 101. I've seen our clients visually hurt when they talk about how the world hates them simply for being different, that they aren't "normal". As if such a universal definition even exists. I've seen firsthand that our clients are capable of creativity, ambition, and kindness that not even some of the richest and most powerful leaders on the planet are capable of. A statement of pride from an accomplished handicapped person trumps the same from a world leader of a nation's corrupt government any day.

But I wasn't aware of the length of cruelty some would go to in order to step on innocents like this here in America. Then I came along this story about United Airlines and their cold rebuttal of the respect all disabled people are entitled to.

When I read this, I'm immediately reminded of ignorant pawn scum like our 45th "president", who openly mocked disabled people during his disgusting idea of a presidential campaign in 2015. To add insult to injury, the guy is clearly disabled himself -- mentally and physically -- in all the wrong ways, quite frankly to a level beyond salvation. And yet, he's automatically embraced as a "very stable genius". Well, last time I checked, pretending to be higher than God Himself was never an indication of mental stability at all. There are names for that kind of "stability": Malignant Narcissism (a form of NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and "God complex", to name a few. And history has shown that people like this often refuse treatment (or outright embrace the illness; Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, and Osama bin Laden are fine examples -- and for the record, bin Laden's God complex got him killed) and thus become walking, humanoid weapons of mass destruction.

This also comes after the realization that, by U.S. government standards, I'm disabled. That's right, I'm on Social Security Disability Insurance, due to the frequent mental anguish stemming from my childhood trauma. So I take personal offense to any dissing of disabled people, whether mentally or physically. And I've been the recipient of such maltreatment myself, more so after a recent incident of racist and ableist discrimination directed at me by a White club employee.

Let me very clear: I may live in a (somewhat) free country, but I'm not okay with having to give my tax money to a government that ignores this kind of singling-out. Disabled people -- and those of color more so -- already have it rough enough living in societies intentionally purposed to deny them the care they need. So the higher-ups must either own their roles and do something about it or shut the hell up. Screwing the average citizen has been a method of governing in America for long enough.

Anyway, I could be looking at yet another promotion next week if I play my cards right. Word got out about my background in art (and more specifically, comic books/graphic novels) and I could become an art/creative writing co-instructor for our clients soon. Aside from a one-time illustration teaching gig at a mental health services center back in around 2014, I have no real teaching experience. But our clients want me to try, so what do I have to lose? We'll see, here's hoping it works out.

Later, everyone, and remember: disability is as much a social construct as race is.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII Original Soundtrack

Okay, so today I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with a new therapist -- an awesome one who understood the quagmire I'm in. He realized how horrible my living situation is, and he really listened and told it like it was. I come home today to find out 5 minutes after the meeting time, it's been canceled. No reason, just "Sorry, can't help you. Please reschedule a later appointment (which is not guaranteed)". Obviously, I was infuriated. Call it a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing. Then I made the mistake of talking to my mother to explain my frustrations. What I got was, "Be patient and don't throw tantrums." This, from an individual whose husband throws and breaks things and threatens violence to her every time she rubs him the wrong way. Honestly, I'm feeling like a real scapegoat now. I'm constantly nagged on for upkeeping the house, and yet my younger bro, a carbon copy of my father, gets a free pass on everything? In the words of Jules Winfield from the film Pulp Fiction, "If they wanna play blind man, they can go walk with the shepherd. But me? My eyes are wide fuckin' open." I am now even more committed to leaving this environment permanently. And my manager at work did tell me our agency will help in any way they can with the transition. Really, this job pulled the curtain back on the façade that is currently my family. I once stated clearly that everyone in this family hates each other. My father tells me, "Don't call it hatred". Now my answer, after witnessing the past 2 decades, is, "A man who hasn't said 'I love you' to his wife in over a decade, everyone keeping to themselves, only getting together to argue over the basest of things, and a dictatorship under a man who is clearly a narcissist masquerading as a man of the house? If it's not hatred, then what is it? 'Cuz it sure as shit ain't love."

I guess it's because of the "American" Christianity preached in this country. After all, the churches we went to all talked about obeying your parents without question. Disobeying a single request = torment in Hell, they said. Parents know best. Ironic, because by those standards my family apparently is as un-Christian as can be. Abusing the eldest son based on assumptions and then threatening to kick him out if he tells the police? Forcing him to lie to sate your unbridled anger at something that he actually didn't do because you simply don't want to listen? Mocking his terrified expression while you dish out corporal punishment over an incorrect answer to a math problem? They say Black families abhor the history of how they were beaten and used by their White slave masters. If that's really the case, then my parents' style of upbringing, at least for me, is a straight-up travesty. Good thing I've got a support system of friends and the staff at my job helping me figure out where to go from here, it looks like they are my family now.

So, I came across another article after emboldening myself further on my goal of leaving. It came at the perfect time, I guess until my (hopefully) next appointment, this was my therapy appointment replacement. I'm actually shocked at how similar this blogger's perspective is to mine. Now, my parents are nowhere near as horrible as the MAGA cult discussed in the article, but the way they see Christianity was very similar to my upbringing. I had found the REAL Gospel.

I guess it's good that I even came to the discovery of how authoritarian my parents (and still are, sadly) were in the first place. Had I not, I'd still be suffering in silence. I'm not furious anymore, just committed to leaving. My eyes are on the future, however difficult it may be. Struggling with mental clarity and peace knowing you're doing the right thing for yourself and others seems a hell of a lot better than being complacently obedient in a regime-like household and going insane. My support group (including my four friends here on Dreamwidth) has made that crystal clear.

Onward to independence, and peace of mind!

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Kingdom Hearts III Original Soundtrack

After talking with Matt Zimmer, A Natural Beauty, and Jazz Nevermore, I was finally able to calm down from what I witnessed last weekend. And to paraphrase Darth Sidious/Chancellor Sheev Palpatine of Star Wars fame, I'll go on the record and the blatant act of hatred and cowardice I witnessed (compounded by the fact I have family in Florida who're now no doubt traumatized) "has left my soul and psyche scarred. But I assure you, my resolve has never been stronger." So I went straight to journaling, a way to vent and process my thoughts when I'm hurt directly or indirectly. I've also sworn off the news for a full week, starting right now. Here's what I wrote:

"Okay, I’ve cooled off somewhat. But let me say this to anyone who will listen: I have family in Florida. I have family in Minnesota. I have family in Texas (Denver, to be exact). So when I see and hear lies about my ancestors’ past – like this absolute insult to humanity saying my people benefited from slavery, that Juneteenth is a “useless holiday” – when I hear “we’re not gonna fix” the gun violence that smears the image of inclusivity that this nation pledges to uphold – and when I see misogyny used as a deterrent from said gun violence, making the public believe that abortion is a sin but a child’s life snuffed by a bullet is unfortunate happenstance – I believe I have a right to say the following: It’s time to cut the bullshit. Humanity is being spat on by a small group of people fearful that their days of comfort and hierarchy are being threatened not just by the good in this nation, but the world as well.

The world is watching us right now and they are HORRIFIED (Well, except for governments that rule by fear. To them it’s just life as usual). I will not stand here and remain silent while my family and good-hearted across the world are being attacked as a means to an end – that end being not leading us forward, but backward, and even backward than backward, to a point where hate governs on a level, in the words of Doctor Strange, “hitherto undreamt of”. That ain’t a future. That, friends, is the end of HUMANITY. That is the REAL End Times. Hypocrisy and hatred aren’t inbred in humanity. They’re born and cultivated, preached. Those of us who still believe in peace and basic human rights have a choice: we can let this blasphemous travesty continue in this country and inevitably spread beyond it to captivate more countries, or we can side with God/Higher Power, however we see him/her/them, and remember that he/she/they are the only TRUE Supreme Being. A person who says God/Higher Power condemns the taking of any life must practice what they preach and not weaponize the Supreme Being for the comfort of a few. That’s not brave. It’s cowardly, disgraceful, and if you wanna go full-on religious: IT’S BLASPHEMOUS."

Friends, I ain't leaving this country. I grew up here, most of my family's here, most of my friends are here. And I'll be damned if some cowards who need to use fear to quench their own fear try to drive me out. Every soul on this soil has earned the right to be here from birth, full stop. They wanna say only God can take a human life? Then they need to fuggin' drop the lies and act like it. They are few and the rest of the country is many. Their tyrannical Savior has no presidential power, so he can do pathetically to mount any kind of offense. And if his little "photo-op" is any indication, I'm thinking if he does mount an offense of any kind, he should know: a Democrat has control of the National Guard and the Armed Forces. I may be wrong, but the Orange Jesus and his ragtag band of rioters could very well wind up staring down the barrel of the very weapons they brandish so proudly. It's decision time for them, too. Die for a malignant narcissistic man-baby or give allegiance back to defending the soil they born on, the soil that they pledged to in elementary.

November 2024 will be an election for the ages. On that day, the true America will re-emerge triumphant, and the world will see just What. We're. Made. OF.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: peaceful white noise