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Well, I sort of cooled off from last night. Still, right now I'm in a bit of unexpected pain. I'm currently still trying to figure out this crazy system with mental health in this country. I was supposed to meet with a therapist over the phone yesterday, after a week of waiting. And yet, even after trying with Kaiser (insurance provided by my job) for the past few months and being unsuccessful, it seems these services and staff of the job-provided services are still completely lacking and reek of incompetence.
I had already ditched these guys back in September, after an appointment that I had rescheduled because of a previous appointment being cancelled (for no reason) was ALSO cancelled. That was around the time my bank screwed up and permanently deactivated my debit card for a week (and I needed that card for the coming week) and I was later humiliated by a bar/nightclub doorman denying me entry on the grounds that my "twitchiness" and "Tourette's symptoms" (which weren't even that noticeable) made me a threat to the people inside... not to mention that he did this to me in the company of my friends whom he knew very well, and also in front of a crowd awaiting entry. The following weekend was when our friend Joshua Moats left us, triggering the unresolved grief I had for my late uncle, who also took his life 3 years ago. Getting through that weekend was damn near impossible. I still can't believe I did it.
I decided to try Kaiser's group video therapy at the behest of my supervisor at work. On two separate sick days, I took the first two sessions. Those sessions were VERY difficult. Many repressed emotions erupted during those sessions, and the mediator was very sympathetic to all of us. But then I realized that I was running out of sick pay hours. I figured I'd take my laptop to work to continue the sessions. But upon trying to sign in on the premises in a private room, the wi-fi signal was practically non-existent. I called Kaiser several times to speak with the mediator. Each time, I was told to hold, and each time, after waiting too long, I called back asking again for the mediator. I got nothing. I told the responder that I was furious with them for their lack of consistency and called Kaiser's crisis line. The responder there could only recommend continuing to try therapy. As for the group therapy sessions, I couldn't continue. Wi-fi at work was awful, and the meeting times for the sessions conflicted with my work schedule. So here I was, again, without a therapist.
To make matters worse, the medications I'm currently taking have produced some VERY undesirable side effects. For one, my nose seems to be running every time I eat something, despite having taken off-the-counter allergy meds for a runny nose AND that I don't have a fever or the flu. Then, and this is really embarrassing to disclose, my body has developed an extremely high temperature, akin to hot flashes. That, of course, leads to excessive sweating. It's so bad I can only wear black t-shirts to work nowadays... and people can still see the dampness. And this is in 65-degree weather. 65 degrees. Oh, and the excessive sweating sometimes exacerbates the runny nose symptoms. Lastly, those "twitchy" movements I was publicly humiliated for are another side effect. It's gotten to a point where some movements -- usually in my legs and my jaws -- have become involuntary at times. And it's very uncomfortable. My psychiatrist is suggesting I get some tests done to get cleared for a prescription to treat those symptoms, but after doing some research, I learned that the prescription could trigger side effects like dry mouth, and restlessness. For most of this year I suffered from restlessness that made it impossible to sleep for than 4 hours. A new prescription I got in late September was for alleviating that problem. Now I could be faced with that problem all over again, along with the other side effects which haven't receded.
Frustrated, I decided to try my job's provided therapy services one more time. Last Sunday I scheduled a phone appointment for last night at 4:30 pm. After a week of waiting, I got home from work with time to spare. I waited and waited... and at precisely 4:43 pm, I received a message that my appointment was cancelled. Again. With no reason provided.
I sent them a final e-mail last night telling them that I was tired of the forced rescheduling and then cancelling of my appointments for the past few months, and that they were not only incompetent, but that their website was poorly maintained, and messages never arrived on time. I also told them point blank why I believed their services were offered at no cost to me by my job -- because their services sucked. Apparently, in this country at least, if you want decent mental health care, you have to have deep, deep pockets. If not, you're on your own. So much for that "You are not alone" bullshit.
So now here I am, still suffering from depression/anxiety and remnants of childhood trauma, annoying and awful side effects, and at this point, even unexplained aches and pains, usually in my legs and posterior (I just bought a seat cushion from Amazon.com, but it's still not enough). I'm pretty much fed up. This system clearly favors the wealthy, and if you're not wealthy, then not only can you not get adequate health care, but you're used as a scapegoat by politicians who don't want to do anything about the violence in this country (specifically the gun violence). The really infuriating fact is, at least on the Republican side, a lot of these politicians are sociopaths, sadists, and malignant narcissists themselves... but they always get a free pass for their behavior.
Such is the life for a Black man in a city overrun with crime. Whatever. I'm just gonna focus on my job, my friends, and my art. It's all I really have, and all I can really afford.
I had already ditched these guys back in September, after an appointment that I had rescheduled because of a previous appointment being cancelled (for no reason) was ALSO cancelled. That was around the time my bank screwed up and permanently deactivated my debit card for a week (and I needed that card for the coming week) and I was later humiliated by a bar/nightclub doorman denying me entry on the grounds that my "twitchiness" and "Tourette's symptoms" (which weren't even that noticeable) made me a threat to the people inside... not to mention that he did this to me in the company of my friends whom he knew very well, and also in front of a crowd awaiting entry. The following weekend was when our friend Joshua Moats left us, triggering the unresolved grief I had for my late uncle, who also took his life 3 years ago. Getting through that weekend was damn near impossible. I still can't believe I did it.
I decided to try Kaiser's group video therapy at the behest of my supervisor at work. On two separate sick days, I took the first two sessions. Those sessions were VERY difficult. Many repressed emotions erupted during those sessions, and the mediator was very sympathetic to all of us. But then I realized that I was running out of sick pay hours. I figured I'd take my laptop to work to continue the sessions. But upon trying to sign in on the premises in a private room, the wi-fi signal was practically non-existent. I called Kaiser several times to speak with the mediator. Each time, I was told to hold, and each time, after waiting too long, I called back asking again for the mediator. I got nothing. I told the responder that I was furious with them for their lack of consistency and called Kaiser's crisis line. The responder there could only recommend continuing to try therapy. As for the group therapy sessions, I couldn't continue. Wi-fi at work was awful, and the meeting times for the sessions conflicted with my work schedule. So here I was, again, without a therapist.
To make matters worse, the medications I'm currently taking have produced some VERY undesirable side effects. For one, my nose seems to be running every time I eat something, despite having taken off-the-counter allergy meds for a runny nose AND that I don't have a fever or the flu. Then, and this is really embarrassing to disclose, my body has developed an extremely high temperature, akin to hot flashes. That, of course, leads to excessive sweating. It's so bad I can only wear black t-shirts to work nowadays... and people can still see the dampness. And this is in 65-degree weather. 65 degrees. Oh, and the excessive sweating sometimes exacerbates the runny nose symptoms. Lastly, those "twitchy" movements I was publicly humiliated for are another side effect. It's gotten to a point where some movements -- usually in my legs and my jaws -- have become involuntary at times. And it's very uncomfortable. My psychiatrist is suggesting I get some tests done to get cleared for a prescription to treat those symptoms, but after doing some research, I learned that the prescription could trigger side effects like dry mouth, and restlessness. For most of this year I suffered from restlessness that made it impossible to sleep for than 4 hours. A new prescription I got in late September was for alleviating that problem. Now I could be faced with that problem all over again, along with the other side effects which haven't receded.
Frustrated, I decided to try my job's provided therapy services one more time. Last Sunday I scheduled a phone appointment for last night at 4:30 pm. After a week of waiting, I got home from work with time to spare. I waited and waited... and at precisely 4:43 pm, I received a message that my appointment was cancelled. Again. With no reason provided.
I sent them a final e-mail last night telling them that I was tired of the forced rescheduling and then cancelling of my appointments for the past few months, and that they were not only incompetent, but that their website was poorly maintained, and messages never arrived on time. I also told them point blank why I believed their services were offered at no cost to me by my job -- because their services sucked. Apparently, in this country at least, if you want decent mental health care, you have to have deep, deep pockets. If not, you're on your own. So much for that "You are not alone" bullshit.
So now here I am, still suffering from depression/anxiety and remnants of childhood trauma, annoying and awful side effects, and at this point, even unexplained aches and pains, usually in my legs and posterior (I just bought a seat cushion from Amazon.com, but it's still not enough). I'm pretty much fed up. This system clearly favors the wealthy, and if you're not wealthy, then not only can you not get adequate health care, but you're used as a scapegoat by politicians who don't want to do anything about the violence in this country (specifically the gun violence). The really infuriating fact is, at least on the Republican side, a lot of these politicians are sociopaths, sadists, and malignant narcissists themselves... but they always get a free pass for their behavior.
Such is the life for a Black man in a city overrun with crime. Whatever. I'm just gonna focus on my job, my friends, and my art. It's all I really have, and all I can really afford.
