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Hey y’all! Jason Deroga here!
Looks like I finally got some free time on my hands to check out the next chapter in Matt Zimmer’s Gilda and Meek and the Un-Iverse! And talk about a change of pace – after the six-part “Pontue Legacy” epic, we’re being treated not with a return to the present with Gilda, Meek, and the gang, but a separate story altogether: UnComix One-Shots! As teased at the end of The Pontue Legacy: Part VI – The Promise, we’d be taking our first trip with the One-Shots with a story simply called “The Humans”. Seeing how Humans have played an interesting role in the Un-Iverse thus far, color me intrigued; one thing I love about the Un-Iverse lore is the unique way that Humans relate with the various animal species as the interactions shed clarity on not only their differences, but their toils to find common ground. And I gotta say, the cover of this one-shot already has me humored; the caption says everything: “Shut up. We’re doing this.” It doesn’t come off as overbearing to me in the slightest – The Un-Iverse is HUGE, and our Narrator wouldn’t dismiss any story as “filler material”. Every branch of THIS Un-Iverse is crucial, and we’re gonna sit down and DIGEST this, dammit. So let’s go!
Gilda and Meek (Un-Iverse #15) – UnComix One-Shots: “The Humans” Review - Part 1
Notice how I wrote "Part 1" at the top of this entry? That's because I thought it'd be better to divide this review up into portions. There are several one-shots in THIS one-shot, and for the sake of a little brevity, it just sounds right to post my thoughts this way.
• Okay, Intro Page says we’ve got FIVE stories in this particular one-shot: The Humans, Narf-Narf and Chirp, The Piranha (*squeals with excitement – light bulbs are BACK, baby!), Howler, and Meek’s Chiller Theatre.
• Ha, we’re getting “spoiler quotes” as well. There’s the admonition from the Narrator that we’re keeping our glutes glued to our seats for this, but two other quotes depict some rather serious matters – I’ll definitely stay away from ANY pink gorilla, but trusting Mitch… I’ll remain reserved on that one.
All right, Story Number One: “The Humans (Untitled Mummy Project)”
• I’m not even to pretend that the Narrator starts the story off ignoring matters in OUR universe by mentioning Rick Santorum. He WAS a fundamentalist Republican, for sure. Clever play of words on the follow-up, though; though I’m glad we’re not going to read about Santorum, at the same time the Narrator is warning that this story will be far more ridiculous. Kinda hard to top Republican dogma in the stupidity department, but I digress…
• The story starts off at the site of an ancient Pyramid in Egypt, where the four Humans are searching for their missing brother Link (no, no, no, not THAT Link! We’re in the Un-Iverse, remember? Not the Kingdom of Hyrule. You won’t find any “Master Sword” here, and the last princess we met was named “Sarah”, not “Zelda”! C’mon, man…). They spend a moment ruminating over whether Link would actually BE in said Pyramid, but agree on the conclusion that hey, good ‘ol television preaches that Mummies hang out in Pyramids – thus, THEIR Mummy must reside in the Pyramid, and she must know of Link’s whereabouts. Yes, I’m trying – unsuccessfully – to stifle myself from bursting out into laughter, otherwise I won’t be able to do this review. So please, bear with me…
• Getting in line before the Pyramid’s entrance, the Humans join many other tourists as their tour guide gives a history lesson on Egyptian religious thought, in which we have three commonalities: Order, Chaos, and Renewal. The fundamental order in religious belief is called “Maat”. At the front of the line, one tourist asks how the pyramids were created, to which the guide says no one yet knows. The tourist suggests aliens built them, but the guide shoots down the theory with a smile. Our tourist buddy here still wants to know the logic behind the alien theory, to which the guide turns to a nearby Professor to have him do the honors while admitting the intrigue behind the otherwise debunked inquiry.
• The Professor explains that there is an urban legend that tells of an alien race named Ra’ans who were behind the construction of the pyramids, who would eventually go on to be the basis for Egyptian mythology and the namesake of the Egyptian Sun God Ra. By extension, that means that the Ra’an race were said to be gods themselves, with a plan to one day return to the Earth to claim it for themselves. The Professor ends his tale with a blunt question: “Can you imagine anything so ridiculous?” No, Professor… actually, I can’t. But you just put a dopey grin on my face!
• Next, we learn that an Egyptian Pharoah named Hubbahotep was buried deep in the catacombs beneath the Pyramid, with his Mummy on display nearby down the hall. But there is also a prophecy that whoever violates the sanctity of the Pharoah’s tomb will in turn awaken the Mummy, and great calamity will befall the foolish soul who was too brave for their own good. While I’m curious as to which “mummy” is down the hall and which “mummy” is in fact the Pharoah himself (which would mean things just got a LOT more dire for our expedition of tourists here), the Humans also have a question of their own – where’s THEIR Mummy?
• We later see the Humans messing around with a nearby sarcophagus – their attention spans obviously couldn’t take any more history lessons, it seems – and as bad luck would have it, they get trapped inside. However, instead of pounding the casket from the inside and screaming for health, the Humans have a… better idea. They decide to take a snooze. Yep. Egyptian history lessons are NOT their cup of tea, and hey, if I were out there in the brutal heat of an Egyptian desert sun, I’d jump at the chance to find some shade and take a much-needed nap. Heat exhaustion? Heat STROKE? No, thank you.
• As night falls, a foul odor startles the Humans from their slumber. The unearthly odor belongs to none other than the corpse of Hubbahotep himself, bandages and all! But, if Hubbahotep’s mummy is here, and the Humans are in the sarcophagus, does that mean that the tomb is actually NOT in the Pyramid and instead is… okay, let’s slow down and see how this goes. Patience, Jason. Patience…
• Hubbahotep is enraged at the sight of the Humans as they pop out from under the sarcophagus! But while the mummy obviously has vengeance on his mind – with an unholy roar, he charges the Humans with being “Interlopers! Dark Bringers of Chaos!” – the Humans seem to believe that this hideous being could be their mother…
• Before Hubbahotep can unleash his wrath on the unfortunate souls before him, the Humans each respond with rather disturbing claims, of which one claims the mummy could be either their mother or even Link (again, not THAT Link! Yeah, he’s gone up against undead monsters, but HE’S not an undead monster)! Hubbahotep stops raging when he notices something far more terrifying than his own cadaverous visage – the Humans are looking back at him with VERY disturbing glares. After all, one of them saw a rather plentiful amount of toilet paper draped over the mummified – and now mortified – man before them. Yeah… this is going to get rather dirty, rather quick.
• As Hubbahotep is outright shredded by the Humans, the Mummy comes to the realization that the aforementioned prophecy was hogwash from the start – as Gilda’s signature phrase rings in my head, we are told she could have mentioned to him how prophecies are never absolutes – it was not the soul who awakened Bubbahotep who ended up ultimately destroyed, but rather the Mummy himself. Apparently, Hubbahotep awakening the Humans from within the sarcophagus was the “disturbance of the tomb” and was thus doomed to oblivion from that point onward. The story ends with the Humans going on their merry way (with tatters of the Mummy’s wrappings sticking out from their clothes), the Universe takes note of how they’ve left another place worse off than how they found it. That leaves a sense of dread in my head as the Humans did some real damage here, absentminded as they may be...
Story Number Two: Narf-Narf and Cheep “Ocean’s 2 Or A Bird In Heat” I Don’t See Color
• The next tale speeds us to Appleton, New York, inside a bird’s huge tree house. As the size suggests, the bird in question doesn’t live alone. We are introduced to a couple in a nest in what seems to be the bedroom, given how “Baby” is musing about the great time she and her partner Chirp had last night. Note that Chirp refers to his partner as “Baby”, which angers the little lady on account of her actual name not having to be remembered. Chirp is immediately worried, with the adage “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” written all over his face…
• Before he knows it, “Baby” is upon the terrified Chirp, asking – no, DEMANDING – he call her by name. Turns out her name is “Dolores”, as Chirp meekly replies. Yep, Chirp has himself a fiery one here. I’m reminded of many male cartoon characters who must contend with girls so absolutely obsessed with them that it frightens the hell out of them – Sonic the Hedgehog’s issues with Amy Rose come to mind, though that’s not anywhere NEAR the level of fright I’m feeling here.
• Satisfied with her partner’s sharp memory, Dolores lovingly cuddles up with Chirp. But their intimate moment is disrupted when a Cat barges into the house with a drugstore plastic bag and a maniacal furor in his eyes. Understandably, Dolores is frightened, but Chirp is rather chill. You see, the Cat is Chirp roommate Narf-Narf, and as he doesn’t eat either Chirp or his guests, Chirp in return provides a place for the Cat to stockpile his cache of weapons. Dolores takes the words right out of my mouth – since when the hell DO cats need weapons in this Universe?
• Narf-Narf responds by claiming that day of the Apocalypse is nigh – quite a jarring statement indeed – and brandishes a huge container of… sore throat spray. Dolores goes from terrified to annoyed in a nanosecond, demanding an explanation, but Chirp tells her to lay low as he’s all over Narf-Narf’s antics like the chill canary he is. Dolores is unmoved however and boldly flutter up to the maniacal Cat’s face to let him just HOW crazy she thinks he is. She then turns her glare of disapproval upon her date, chiding Chirp for being crazy enough to hang with someone like Narf-Narf. And with that, Dolores soars out of a nearby window, never to return. Damn, I know romantic partners sometimes don’t get along with each other’s outer circle of friends, but Dolores REALLY didn’t give this dude a chance. Not a case of hard-to-get, but rather hard-to-please…
• Narf-Narf apologizes for scaring off Dolores only for Chirp to grin back, reminding him of why he asks his roomie to crash in every morning. The maniacal Cat grins wider than even the Cheshire Cat from Wonderland, saying that a woman named Stella Stickyfingers has an epic heist plan ready. Well, the title of the chapter IS called “Ocean’s 2”, so it makes good sense. But given that this is the Un-Iverse, no doubt the heist is sure to be an outlandish one…
• At the mention of Stella’s name, Chirp is immediately aroused; Miss Stickyfingers is supposedly a Terran Dog with a helluva lot of sex appeal, and Chirp feels he’s gonna get some real lovin’ tonight. But as Chirp’s a member of the avian breed, such a communion of lovers sadly ain’t in the cards for the lil’ fella. As he and Narf-Narf meet up with Stella in the appointed park, the Terran canine babe fills them in on the scene: there’s a sweet-looking Diamond on display at a nearby museum. We take a flashback and see Stella meeting with a security guard named Hank Wanklin – had to take a moment to let out a chuckle at how that name rolls off the tongue, sorry. But what’s even more hilarious is how their meeting went down; Stella smooth-talks Hank, only for the latter to brush her off curtly. Then Stella goes direct and asks for the password to deactivate the museum’s alarms at midnight… and Hank immediately delivers the goods. As Stella declares to her two fellow heist-mates, “It’s an easy score.” You’re tellin’ me, Miss Stickyfingers.
• The plan is as follows: thought he and Narf-Narf wearing suits would be a dead giveaway (it was Chirp’s idea, he must be feeling those “Secret Agent Man” vibes), Chirp’s diminutive size makes him the ideal choice for flying through an open window to steal the diamond and make a getaway break if the alarm is deactivated. As the plan goes into effect and Chirp enters the lion’s den, Stella and Narf-Narf discover a common fandom in the Star Wars franchise and develop an instant friendship right on the dot over Narf-Narf’s prideful display of nerdom and being in tune with the Force. But it is at that point that Stella is gobsmacked as the alarm goes off; looks like Hank Wanklin is the one who played her after all! Well, dogs are known to be super-perceptive, but even a Human would know better than to give a REAL password to a super-priceless diamond just willy-nilly like that! And with that, ladies and gents, I guess the jig’s up…
• As we later find out, Chirp is well on his way to escaping with the priceless Hope Diamond, dodging multiple gunshots by the Night Watchman due his small, feathery frame. He’s able to get the diamond into Stella’s hands (right after one of the guard’s bullets almost grazes her face), and then the ever-resourceful Narf-Narf deploys his grappling hook to get the fearsome threesome to the ground and hopefully to safety. After yet another close call with Chirp catching the diamond after it accidentally slips through Stella’s paws, the threesome bail the hell off the premises. Looks like the heist was a success, surprisingly.
• Stella makes good on her promise to pay up Chirp and Narf-Narf’s cut of the spoils once they’re in the clear and then declares that she’s planning to mail the Hope Diamond back to the museum, much to a puzzled Narf-Narf’s surprise. Stella acknowledges the truth; this score was indeed far too easy, and she’s not ready to take on selling her successfully stolen goods on the black market yet. This evening’s heist was merely practice, a training run. Many future heists won’t be as much of a cakewalk, and excellence is something that can’t be rushed. Girl’s a smart one, I’ll say. But Chirp and Narf-Narf are too distracted to understand that, because the former is busy lustfully ogling Stella’s curvy posterior and Narf-Narf is caressing the three bottles of throat spray that are his perks for tonight’s big win. The weirdness is off the heezy, yo!
• As this escapade ends, Narf-Narf returns to his true storage facility (Chirp mistakenly thinks he keeps his stash in the treehouse), accompanied by another Terran Dog. This Dog could get grilled something fierce for renting the pad to Narf-Narf, but as the adage goes, there’s nothing money can’t buy, right? And what his Human boss doesn’t know won’t hurt him, so yeah. As the Dog Attendant opens the vault, he takes a moment to compliment (read: condescend) Narf-Narf on his oddness, to which the latter confidently claims he alone will be the last feline stand come the end of the Apocalypse. After the Attendant takes his leave, we are treated to the true contents of Narf-Narf’s stockpile vault: a mountain of various oral remedies to surely last centuries! And as the Narrator humorously quips, “Is this The End? We should be so lucky...” Come now, I’m enjoying this!
Story Number Three: The Piranha, “Speedy Delivery” – People Tell Me I’m White And I Believe Them
• Well… can’t say that The Piranha’s rage over the disfigured Buck Bokai card that arrived in an equally disfigured mailing package is out of the ordinary. I remember back in sixth grade just how finicky everyone was over the immaculacy of their holographic first edition Pokémon cards (so many people groveling at one guy’s feet to auction for a first edition Charizard…). That was the first time I ever learned about collector’s goods being worth anything, let alone the condition of said things. But on the same token, in The Piranha’s case, he didn’t have to put down a penny to get this prized card. Regardless, as any smart guy will tell you… an angry Piranha is a dangerous Piranha.
• The young fish takes it to the mailman who effed up his priceless card and warns that his boss is gonna get an earful. The mailman leers back and tell Piranha that the complaint department was essentially rendered null and void when a disgruntled ex-employee arrived and shot the entire post office up – the ex-employee was fired for the very complaint that Piranha here is threatening to lodge. The Piranha bravely contests that the mailman’s thinly veiled “tough luck, kid” response won’t drive him off, but the mailman responds by indulging in animal abuse with the nearby dog that was snarling at his heels the whole time. Piranha is enraged, and had he been a bit older, a thousand profane armaments he would rain down on this sadistic public servant.
• The Piranha quickly snaps a photo of the sadistic public servant as he goes on his un-merry way, then tends to the abused dog who happens to be called Rudy. Rudy fills our fish buddy on the situation: the mad mailman has been assaulting dogs throughout the neighborhood, many with worse injuries than his own. And just as Piranha promises to dish out justice to the mad mailman, Rudy suddenly becomes suspicious – point blank, he questions that Piranha may have eaten dogs before, but Piranha prioritizes avenging the neighborhood dogs over what or who he’s eaten and whether they tasted great or not. Rudy quickly acquiesces, ready to school some mad mailmen. With a quick press of the “Send” button, Piranha sends the photo to Bernadette… only for the mad mailman to show up moments later, much, well, madder than before.
• The mad mailman demands to know the deal, and Piranha simply states that photos of the mailman’s posterior are now circling ‘round the World Wide Social Media. Nothing too damning, right? But the red-faced mad mailman begs to differ, as this isn’t just an ordinary photo of his glutes; it’s streaked with skid marks! Ah, the endless possibilities that a graphics-editing software such as Photoshop can provide! But wait, it gets better… the embarrassed mad mailman soon finds his inbox flooded with texts from fetishists at the equally lewd Skidmarks Monthly! I must admit, I cracked up at this part. Not just because of how owned the mailman seems to be here, but also because in this day and age, one can argue that if it exists, there’s a fetish for it. Oh, this is just too much.
• …wait, wut? Well, damn. The mailman just struck it rich on account of the salary offer. There’s no need to keep languishing in this line of work (postal workers are even more underpaid now than they ever were, right?), which means the mailman no longer needs to be a major a-hole. With a predictable change of heart, he tries to make good with both Piranha and Rudy before taking his leave to start living that privileged lifestyle he always wanted. This leaves a very pissed Rudy glowering at Piranha, saying what I think we all had on our minds: wasn’t this dude supposed to get his comeuppance? Piranha responds with some of the simplest logic I’ve ever had the honor of learning: that the lesson taught here is everyone is better off for having known him. And to me, this speaks of how spreading kindness can make even some of the most hardened people soften and open. A great example is when I was working my first job at a local supermarket and I had to assist an elderly White woman who clearly had issues with race; as I was trying to help her find an item, a younger White woman beat me to it. The elderly White woman smiled at the younger White woman and thanked her, then looked back at me with a scowl and cocked her head onward in a condescending manner. I had to assist this woman several more times, but because I didn’t respond with any anger (though I was angry inside – enraged, even), the elderly White woman slowly began to open up, at times repeatedly gratefully commenting, “You’re being so nice to me.” I’ve noticed this approach has worked with a lot of harsh people in my life, proving that kindness can move proverbial mountains.
Story Number Four: Un-Ad “You Know” Matt Zimmer Is A Formidable Opponent
• Our next story here is more of an intermission, with a literal television advertisement for a product known as “You Know”. According to the ad, “You Know” is a cure-all for our problems, even if its contents are a either trade secret or a secret formula. It’s the newest product from the corporation “Shhhh!” And well, for the difficult times we’re in, why not scoop up some of this You Know to ease our stress, hmmm? Heh, I like how this intermission is worded – it’s like implying that the solution to all our stressors and anxieties is closer to us than we might think, because “we know” what it is deep down inside. And believe me, as someone who deals with anxiety daily, it IS reassuring to be reminded that inner peace can’t always be found in a mysterious unreachable-by-reality-means special potion or what not. I’m reminded of Matt’s statement about kindness as the antidote to stupidity – because kindness is a simple emotion to convey.
And with that comes the end of Part 1 of the first UnComix One-Shot. I'm about halfway through the next story, "Howler", and then "Meek's Chiller Theatre" is what remains. I'm hoping to get Part 2 of this review completed by the weekend, provided work doesn't tucker me out -- and then there's also the fact that my brother and I plan to treat Mom to dinner for Mother's Day...
Anyway, peace and love to you all, and see ya next time!
Nana
--"Jason Deroga"
